When someone is going through devastating loss due to the death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job, or any major change that affects normal routines; the feelings of grief can be overwhelming. Grieving can hit us like a tidal wave or numb us like a stagnant pool of water. How can we move through times of significant loss, when change comes uninvited into our lives?
Sometimes the only thing to do is sit and be with the miserable feeling waiting patiently for a new feeling or thought to motivate us. Mostly we are in the habit of doing anything to avoid them. But, deep down we know the pain is looming in some corner of our mind, our heart, and our body.
When we are emotionally in pain, just like with a physical pain, it is hard to get anything done. At the time we need help the most, we are most unable to ask for it. Understanding this, if you know someone going through tough times, you might want to offer some help. Be specific about things you could do for them, because they may not be thinking very clearly.
Talking to a friend the other day, I learned that a family we both know is going through the recent death of their father, and now a sister has just found out she has a terminal illness.
We started saying things like, “oh how terrible” and “I feel so bad for them” and “I wonder what anyone can do for them. How are they going to get through this?” Just as I was about to change the subject because we were both starting to feel really bad, my friend said, “let’s do something to help even if it’s a couple of little things.” We made a list, things like; get groceries, make a dinner, do the laundry. We decided she would call this week and I would call the next week.
When people are going through devastating times, it’s good to remember they may not ask for what they need, that actions speak louder than words, and small things done with great love can make a big difference.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
What can you do to escape from feeling bad?
I find the first step out of feeling really bad, whether it’s sad, angry, depressed, or any other raw emotion, is to tell the truth about what I am feeling. Sounds obvious, but how many times do we do just about anything in order not to feel bad?
This morning I was feeling down in the dumps. I had low energy and no passion for my work or the day’s activities. Usually at these times, I keep moving, pretending I’m fine, counting on actions to keep me from feeling bad. I’ll keep extra busy today, I hear myself thinking.
Sometimes, I don’t want to even say on paper what I’m feeling because I judge the feelings to be a betrayal to something or someone, especially when it’s someone I love very much. In fact, I don’t want to believe I can feel such ugly stuff. It damages how I think and feel about myself.
Then I remember I can love someone, including myself, and also have feelings of great anger, or disappointment, or fear, or jealousy—you name it. Feelings just are. Oftentimes they need to be felt and acknowledged instead of pushed down or ignored.
Today I chose to stop and feel. I sat on the couch and allowed my thoughts and feelings to surface. I wrote of inadequacy, lacklusterness, sluggishness, and resentments. I wrote a bunch of icky stuff, letting it all come up and out.
The message came in a feeling of everything is OK, even though I’m having lots of uncomfortable feelings about what I’m doing and not doing. I gained a renewed sense of trusting myself and my work. Next thing I knew, I was reaching for the book I’m studying. I read and took some notes, and got up to get ready for the day. Yay!
Is it really that easy? The hardest part is choosing to be with the feeling instead of rejecting it as unworthy in some way. If we were to allow it, the message we receive might make a big difference in how we live and experience that day.
This morning I was feeling down in the dumps. I had low energy and no passion for my work or the day’s activities. Usually at these times, I keep moving, pretending I’m fine, counting on actions to keep me from feeling bad. I’ll keep extra busy today, I hear myself thinking.
Sometimes, I don’t want to even say on paper what I’m feeling because I judge the feelings to be a betrayal to something or someone, especially when it’s someone I love very much. In fact, I don’t want to believe I can feel such ugly stuff. It damages how I think and feel about myself.
Then I remember I can love someone, including myself, and also have feelings of great anger, or disappointment, or fear, or jealousy—you name it. Feelings just are. Oftentimes they need to be felt and acknowledged instead of pushed down or ignored.
Today I chose to stop and feel. I sat on the couch and allowed my thoughts and feelings to surface. I wrote of inadequacy, lacklusterness, sluggishness, and resentments. I wrote a bunch of icky stuff, letting it all come up and out.
The message came in a feeling of everything is OK, even though I’m having lots of uncomfortable feelings about what I’m doing and not doing. I gained a renewed sense of trusting myself and my work. Next thing I knew, I was reaching for the book I’m studying. I read and took some notes, and got up to get ready for the day. Yay!
Is it really that easy? The hardest part is choosing to be with the feeling instead of rejecting it as unworthy in some way. If we were to allow it, the message we receive might make a big difference in how we live and experience that day.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
What does grieving have to do with living life fully?
My work involves grief recovery and life fulfillment. What does one have to do with the other? You might ask.
By the time we’re middle-aged, most of us have suffered a major loss or a combination of losses. I define major loss as a life-altering circumstance that can cause drastic changes in one’s well-being and everyday routine.
When a major loss hits us, we get messages from friends, family and society like: Don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. With time you’ll be feeling fine again. You just have to get on with living.
The good-intentioned advice oftentimes hurts more than it helps. The tips and strategies and advice might be useful if it were our mind that was broken. But, it’s our heart that feels devastated.
So what does grieving have to do with fulfillment? A fulfilling life could be defined as a life full of what makes you happy, satisfied, and at peace within your heart, mind, and body. Each of us has our own individual specifics that further define having a fulfilling life.
Grieving is about telling the truth concerning how your heart feels, instead of sugarcoating how you’re feeling in order to appear like you’re a strong person, or acting like you can do everything just like you used to, or staying alone in your room instead of reaching out to those who love you.
Telling the truth is what leads to a fulfilling life. It’s not easy, because telling the truth can mean we have to allow others to see into our broken heart and confused mind. It’s not comfortable because our mask of “I’m just fine” is removed and we’re not even sure what lies underneath. Telling the truth and doing something about living that truth can be quite the challenge, especially when it means dealing with new circumstances and making even more changes. The truth heals our heart and soothes our very soul.
Taking actions that will lead to recovery from a devastating loss will open your heart and free your mind. Having me as your guide (or the right coach for you) is like saying yes to walking down an unfamiliar road, blind, with a wise, unconditionally loving elder guiding your way.
By the time we’re middle-aged, most of us have suffered a major loss or a combination of losses. I define major loss as a life-altering circumstance that can cause drastic changes in one’s well-being and everyday routine.
When a major loss hits us, we get messages from friends, family and society like: Don’t feel bad. Replace the loss. With time you’ll be feeling fine again. You just have to get on with living.
The good-intentioned advice oftentimes hurts more than it helps. The tips and strategies and advice might be useful if it were our mind that was broken. But, it’s our heart that feels devastated.
So what does grieving have to do with fulfillment? A fulfilling life could be defined as a life full of what makes you happy, satisfied, and at peace within your heart, mind, and body. Each of us has our own individual specifics that further define having a fulfilling life.
Grieving is about telling the truth concerning how your heart feels, instead of sugarcoating how you’re feeling in order to appear like you’re a strong person, or acting like you can do everything just like you used to, or staying alone in your room instead of reaching out to those who love you.
Telling the truth is what leads to a fulfilling life. It’s not easy, because telling the truth can mean we have to allow others to see into our broken heart and confused mind. It’s not comfortable because our mask of “I’m just fine” is removed and we’re not even sure what lies underneath. Telling the truth and doing something about living that truth can be quite the challenge, especially when it means dealing with new circumstances and making even more changes. The truth heals our heart and soothes our very soul.
Taking actions that will lead to recovery from a devastating loss will open your heart and free your mind. Having me as your guide (or the right coach for you) is like saying yes to walking down an unfamiliar road, blind, with a wise, unconditionally loving elder guiding your way.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
"Defining Moments"
A "defining moment" is defined as a point at which the essential nature or character of a person, group, etc., is revealed or identified. (Origin: 1980–85. Dictionary.com Unabridged.)
By journaling about some challenging times in my life, I uncovered something I’ve been grappling with: How have my defining moments affected my present life and work? What is my overarching personal and business message? As I live by it, how has it helped me?
My message is: The more we take responsibility for the situation we are in, the more we are capable of acting based on what we value, not based on what makes us comfortable. As we act from our values, from what we are passionate about, we have the strength and courage to think, say, and do that which ordinarily we just wouldn’t or couldn’t. When our actions are aligned with our values, we have peace of mind and an open heart. We give and receive more love. Our actions are more productive and fulfilling.
Daring to delve into the turning points in our lives—sometimes the most painful times—we end up more aware of what we really value in life. As we heal the deep wounds, we are empowered to take giant leaps in creating more of what we need and want. We gain energy, motivation, and passion to take on the present challenges we’ve been avoiding, sometimes at great cost.
Whether it’s getting healthy, recovering from a devastating loss, communicating with an estranged relative or spouse or child, or getting out of a toxic workplace or relationship, coming to terms with our defining moments can be an awakening of the courage and strength needed to take difficult next actions.
What are the defining moments in your life? How have they affected you? If you were to take responsibility for the circumstance most harmful to your well-being, what would be your next action?
By journaling about some challenging times in my life, I uncovered something I’ve been grappling with: How have my defining moments affected my present life and work? What is my overarching personal and business message? As I live by it, how has it helped me?
My message is: The more we take responsibility for the situation we are in, the more we are capable of acting based on what we value, not based on what makes us comfortable. As we act from our values, from what we are passionate about, we have the strength and courage to think, say, and do that which ordinarily we just wouldn’t or couldn’t. When our actions are aligned with our values, we have peace of mind and an open heart. We give and receive more love. Our actions are more productive and fulfilling.
Daring to delve into the turning points in our lives—sometimes the most painful times—we end up more aware of what we really value in life. As we heal the deep wounds, we are empowered to take giant leaps in creating more of what we need and want. We gain energy, motivation, and passion to take on the present challenges we’ve been avoiding, sometimes at great cost.
Whether it’s getting healthy, recovering from a devastating loss, communicating with an estranged relative or spouse or child, or getting out of a toxic workplace or relationship, coming to terms with our defining moments can be an awakening of the courage and strength needed to take difficult next actions.
What are the defining moments in your life? How have they affected you? If you were to take responsibility for the circumstance most harmful to your well-being, what would be your next action?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Wave of Grieving
Whether you’re grieving the loss of your job or spouse or a way of life, some moments are horrific and some are OK. It’s a wave that sometimes comes crashing in and at others is ripples of discontent. How can we move through the challenging times when a change comes uninvited to our lives?
Sometimes the only thing to do is sit and be with the miserable feeling. Mostly we are in the habit of doing anything so to avoid the hard feelings of loss. But, deep down we know the pain is looming in some corner of our mind and our heart. It’s there within our body and we just can’t avoid it.
When we experience a major loss, our heart feels sick, badly hurt, even broken. How can we heal our broken heart? Is there an answer, or are there only questions that create a safety for the heart to say what it feels? Telling the truth about what you are feeling is an integral action in the healing process.
Who in your life can you safely say what you are feeling? Who will listen, without advising, judging, or changing the conversation? What do they receive in return for their love listening?
Sometimes the only thing to do is sit and be with the miserable feeling. Mostly we are in the habit of doing anything so to avoid the hard feelings of loss. But, deep down we know the pain is looming in some corner of our mind and our heart. It’s there within our body and we just can’t avoid it.
When we experience a major loss, our heart feels sick, badly hurt, even broken. How can we heal our broken heart? Is there an answer, or are there only questions that create a safety for the heart to say what it feels? Telling the truth about what you are feeling is an integral action in the healing process.
Who in your life can you safely say what you are feeling? Who will listen, without advising, judging, or changing the conversation? What do they receive in return for their love listening?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Facing the White Space
When I’m not coaching, I’m writing. Each day I start my work by sitting at the computer. The screen and keyboard are my white space and pen. Their purpose is clear, but what is mine? Do I write because I want to teach, or preach, or just have fun? Is it a combination along with simply an expression of me being me? I ask myself what I’m learning, and giving, and receiving.
Books surrounded me as I was growing up. Reading was held as a noble way to spend your time. But I preferred interacting with others, which became a familiar past time… in my head. And since it wasn’t OK to sit and do “nothing”, I’d grab a book. I’d pretend to read, while playing and talking with my imaginary friends. I guess I could say I was writing. It must have been entertaining because I could do it for hours. What a blessing that reading was approved of in my house!
They say the artist has a challenge when looking at the empty canvas. When confronting my white space, what would happen if instead of thinking it might be tough, I would say: I’m going to the playground? Now that is fun. My spirit soars. I find a smile on my face. I write for hours, then stop, not knowing where to go next. I’m blocked, stuck, frozen in time.
I feel the hunger in my stomach, the desire to call so and so. Oh, any excuse will do. I need to stop now. I’ll come back later. OK, one more paragraph and then time for something else.
And that’s how it goes as we do what we love: Do the work, buckle down, feel like quitting, negotiate a bit more time, and then take a break.
Just remember, the purpose of our canvas is not just for producing, it’s also for having fun. Maybe when we call work—playing in the white space; we’d end up creating something new and feel the joy of a job well done.
What’s your canvas? What were you doing the last time you lost track of time?
When I’m not coaching, I’m writing. Each day I start my work by sitting at the computer. The screen and keyboard are my white space and pen. Their purpose is clear, but what is mine? Do I write because I want to teach, or preach, or just have fun? Is it a combination along with simply an expression of me being me? I ask myself what I’m learning, and giving, and receiving.
Books surrounded me as I was growing up. Reading was held as a noble way to spend your time. But I preferred interacting with others, which became a familiar past time… in my head. And since it wasn’t OK to sit and do “nothing”, I’d grab a book. I’d pretend to read, while playing and talking with my imaginary friends. I guess I could say I was writing. It must have been entertaining because I could do it for hours. What a blessing that reading was approved of in my house!
They say the artist has a challenge when looking at the empty canvas. When confronting my white space, what would happen if instead of thinking it might be tough, I would say: I’m going to the playground? Now that is fun. My spirit soars. I find a smile on my face. I write for hours, then stop, not knowing where to go next. I’m blocked, stuck, frozen in time.
I feel the hunger in my stomach, the desire to call so and so. Oh, any excuse will do. I need to stop now. I’ll come back later. OK, one more paragraph and then time for something else.
And that’s how it goes as we do what we love: Do the work, buckle down, feel like quitting, negotiate a bit more time, and then take a break.
Just remember, the purpose of our canvas is not just for producing, it’s also for having fun. Maybe when we call work—playing in the white space; we’d end up creating something new and feel the joy of a job well done.
What’s your canvas? What were you doing the last time you lost track of time?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
What Exactly is a Coach?
The first coach I ever knew was a gym coach. She was caring and supportive, and tough! She didn’t buy into any of the excuses we would offer and certainly didn’t get swayed by our whining.
As a result of her winning combination of communication skills, expertise in the game, and compassion in training and molding us, we went beyond what was comfortable on a regular basis. With her as our coach, we discovered the satisfaction of excelling as a team, even though on our own we were mediocre players.
Another experience of being more accomplished than I thought possible was with my piano performances. My teacher coached me through the challenges of difficult classical music, stage fright, and the ongoing struggle of routine practice. Even with small hands and average skills, I performed with passion and expertise, and felt the accomplishment of giving my audience the joy of hearing some of the most complex music.
As a personal coach, I teach communications, planning, and implementation skills. I’m the silent partner in producing seemingly impossible results. The purpose of a coach is to bring out the brilliance of their clients, working with them to open up new opportunities, and supporting them in taking the small steps, as well as making quantum leaps.
A coach is a teacher, a powerful listener and questioner, and an expert in moving things forward. A coach is the committed partner in enabling you to accomplish more than what is ordinary and predictable.
We can create our life to be abundant, fulfilling, and joyful. For most of us, having a coach in our corner is the surest, most effective way!
As a result of her winning combination of communication skills, expertise in the game, and compassion in training and molding us, we went beyond what was comfortable on a regular basis. With her as our coach, we discovered the satisfaction of excelling as a team, even though on our own we were mediocre players.
Another experience of being more accomplished than I thought possible was with my piano performances. My teacher coached me through the challenges of difficult classical music, stage fright, and the ongoing struggle of routine practice. Even with small hands and average skills, I performed with passion and expertise, and felt the accomplishment of giving my audience the joy of hearing some of the most complex music.
As a personal coach, I teach communications, planning, and implementation skills. I’m the silent partner in producing seemingly impossible results. The purpose of a coach is to bring out the brilliance of their clients, working with them to open up new opportunities, and supporting them in taking the small steps, as well as making quantum leaps.
A coach is a teacher, a powerful listener and questioner, and an expert in moving things forward. A coach is the committed partner in enabling you to accomplish more than what is ordinary and predictable.
We can create our life to be abundant, fulfilling, and joyful. For most of us, having a coach in our corner is the surest, most effective way!
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